Feliciasmiles’s Weblog

I feel like falling to my knees and shouting to the Heavens. “Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!” I feel so blessed to have a place to call home. I’m so glad God is a forgiving God. I am so thankful for my family, with out them I would not be who I am today.  I am blessed to have a job even if its one I don’t care much for. I am thankful for the music that gets me though my tough times and even the good.

Also, never have I felt so not lonely. I have things to be done, I have my family… I have never felt like my heart was so full of joy. This joy overwhelms me, my knees are weak and my mind is racing. How I want to show the world of God’s greatness and of his mercy and love. I want to humble myself before his thrown, throw myself at his feet and sing his sweet songs. I want the rain to fall over me and be refreshed with the crsip cold air.

Sometimes there just aren’t words to discribe what i want to say but this is how I feel and what I long for.

“God, my Father, may I love You in all things and above all things. May I reach the joy which You have prepared for me in Heaven. Nothing is good that is against Your Will, and all that is good comes from Your Hand. Place in my heart a desire to please You and fill my mind with thoughts of Your Love, so that I may grow in Your Wisdom and enjoy Your Peace.” (Catholic Prayer, to love God above all things)

Sometimes I look back to what it was like when i was 5. I had no worries, I didn’t know my family was broke, I didn’t undertsand what death was, I believed in God so strong and was so young not to understand anything more than he loved me. I didn’t feel the pressures of the world to be thin, to look like a girl in a magazine, to do drugs to drink to have sex, the pressures were not in my life.

As I have grown and come to and from God never very far but from him at all is too far. I have been tested, and Satan tries to turn my eyes from the Glorious One. I am nowhere near perfect. I am ashamed of mistakes I have made, but I know I can run into God’s arms like I did my Daddy’s as a little girl. In God’s eyes I am always going to be a little girl, his little girl. I will never know all like he does but he can teach me and use my mistakes for the better.

I have been struggling finacially and I need another job. He supplied me with a couple days of babysitting just intime to make last months car payment. And now he has given me more hours at work. He provides, he really does.

I have many goals that i would like to achieve this year, and I would like you all to help keep me accountable so that I may reach them. I would like to have a full-time job and perhaps a second part-tome job. I want to grow in Christ, last year was deffinately a rough year for me, i had grabbed on to God with all that I had, but I did make mistakes. I was hanging out with the wrong people. I was in a church group but getting involved turned out to be what I didn’t need. However spending more time with my grandparents was one of my goals last year and still is this year. I go there before work all the time and I play cards with them during the week and I really need that quality time. They are amazing Christian people and I look up to them a lot. I also look up to my parents and see what all they have been thorugh over the years, and nobody is perfect. Seeing that they have made mistakes has made it easier for me to come to them when I want to confront my faults and to work on them. Sometimes I feel very ashamed but I see my parents like God in one light, they love me no matter what and they will not judge me. I have been in bad situations and have had called for my parents to come pick me up or different things like that. They have even installed a security system in my house for me because of past relationships with friends, with family, with men… I don’t really talk about what has gone on much but it is something that is on my heart. I been through a lot and I don’t mind sharing iff it will help someone out. Don’t juudge me too quick. I’ve never been a party animal, I never done drugs or anything off the wall like that, but I have dishonored God. I have drank once or twice. I have used God’s name in vein. I really am sad for that but He still loves me. And I just want to tell you, all of my friends and family memebers whoa re all like me and make mistakes whatever they might be, you are loved, you are forgiven and you are amazing people. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

I will add on to this later… but its just some stuff to start thinking about. Last year I helped several of my good friends thorugh some tough times and I am here for anyone who needs me now or in the future. I love you all and you imperfections are not to be judged by me but by the Holy Maker.

I wish I were 5, to not feel anything more than happy or sad or love.  To know no bounds and to still believe anything is possible.

Who do you think would win in a fight?  A taco or a grilled cheese?

Grilled Cheese…

unless its prision rules…

then I’d have to say….

TACO!

haha I just watched Hot Rod, its a funny movie.

So its only been 2 hours that I’ve been watching David but its definately something semi new to me. I have never watched an infant for a long period of time. Oh gosh. He is a sweetheart and he only cries when he is trying to sleep. But he is mostly smiles… 6 and a half hours today just him and I. He is so precious it definately increses my desire to have kids someday. But not for a long time. Its kinda cute though cause he likes me to sing to him. My little superman. Sad to see him leave in a month. Anyways…

This past week was great.  Then made a few bucks and now hanging with lil D.

Hope ya’ll are starting the new year off right. God bless.