Feliciasmiles’s Weblog

Genesis 4:6-7  “Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will  you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

Sometimes it is actualy chemical imbalances for which medication helps but often times you just need to stop and pray.  It’s sin!  Sin causes depression and sadness and creates a hole in your heart.  As we all know no sin is greater than the other in Gods eyes.  So even the smallest sins can build up inside of us and cause us to be emotional.   Spiritual depression is the worst. 

This makes so much sense to me!  After I called of my engagement a little over a year and a half ago, I felt so depressed even though I knew it was not meant to be.  It was not God’s plan for me to marry that man.  He showed me it was wrong even though I did love that man and cared for him deeply.  At one point in the Bible (I need to find the verse)  it says God wants us to wait to fall in love, its a sin to let your heart be broken.  I think what it means is that we are not to be too eager to love and give ourselves to one another but to wait for God’s timing and it will be a romantic love.  One that has passion and fire a love that will one day experience yada.  I had my heart broken, badly.  That was a mistake on my part, I thought I was waiting for God’s timing because it wasn’t planned it just happened, I fell in love.  However after praying about it and lifting it up to God, my shoulders are stonger, my smile is brighter and my heart is ready for the man god brings to me.  Day by day I grow stronger in my faith and in my relationship with Christ.  Its cool to think that God doesn’t want us to break our hearts and he tries to hard to protect us, but we are in this world that is so corrupt we do our own thing rather than to look towards God.

Also chemical depression.  I have been there too, its different, but it hurts just the same.  It’s life altering.  I am such a happy person, but the doctor put me on medication for PMS a couple years ago and it really messed up my body, and my mind.  I was sad for no reason and it was harsh on my organs.  I prayed to God to help me to bear with the pre-suffering and to not take the meds.  I don’t take them anymore and have been off of them for 7 months now.  Its amazing, I’m happy again, I’m able to bear with my pain and God has blessed me with different treatments for my body such as a strict diet and korean points probe points on the hand.  Its crazy but God is so great!

Prayer takes away depression.

AMEN!

Ephiesians 4:15-16  “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up to him. …From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love.”

Sometimes its really hard because this world has taught us to be so vain.  But as creature of God, we shouldn’t obsess over the things of this world.  There are somedays as women we just fell like ‘I look like crap.’  ’I'm not as pretty as she is.’  ’I'd be happy if…’  ‘I wish I had flat abs, a bubble but and bigger boobs.’  We are beautiful, Grod created us all in his image.  We need to surround ourselves with friends and family who will build us up with love.

When you’re having a hard time with obsessing, pray about it ask others.  Say ‘Oh man, I’m really struggling in this area. Pray for me today because I’m obessing about this.’ 

Instead of me just writing what I have been studying with my devotionals I will tell you of my struggles.  I try so hard to feel confident, I am confident in who I am but when it comes to outer beauty, its soooo difficult.  Does my hair look okay?   I shouldn’t eat today if I do I have to work out too much.  If I wear sweats will people think I’m lazy?  I’m so white.  What do the ‘guys’ think?  Wish I were the pretty…  How much would it cost me to have a body like that?  It really is a big struggle to push those thoughts out of my mind.  I hate when guys talk about how hot other girls are so then I start talking about hot guys… thats not what God wants, that’s lustful.  And it tears down on  other people.  We need to build each other up.  Guys think its weird how girls check out other girls… We’re not doing it in the same way guys!  We compare ourselves to everyone.  Guys, you do it too…  Who has the biggest toy, the hottest girlfriend, the biggest biceps, most showy 6-pack, who can chugg the milk the fastest…   Whatever it is we all compare ourselves, good or bad…  Its tikme to work as a team and just tell everyone they are grogeous because everyone is in one way or another.

1 Corinthians 2: 9-10

It is written: ‘No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him’- but God has revealed it to us by his spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

~ Gods greatness is not just on the surface, you have to dig deep. Get into the word. Develop a stronger relationship.

~ When you think everyone else around you is experiencing great miracles ands that you are not, you have to look deep and see what god is doing for you, wether it be big or small God’s love is always great.

~ Share God’s secrets, turn to others when you have questions and know that there is not always a right or wrong answer.

~ When you lack in FAITH, that is when you will fall

Isaiah 55:1

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters.

~ Feeling empty? Find ways to feel yourself with the Spirit. Wether it be reading the Bible, going to church, setting aside time for him… It’s all the same and he can and will fill your voids.

~ ‘We sometimes have wilted spirits.’

~ Wilted spirits are often see by those around us who are also believers. Often times though we fool ourselves and we do not see our own wilting spirit.

Psalm 42:1

As the deer pants for water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

~ dare to go places you’ve never been, to wander into unfamiliar territory, to be seen by those you’d rather not have see you thirst for God.

~ God will quench your thirst when you are so dehydrated the world sees you left broken and longing.

* What have you used to try and quench your thirst?

-work, working out, independence, friendships, relationships, family.

Psalm 34:9

Fear the lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing!

~ When we are in line with God’s desires for us, we find that we have all we need.

~ If we are modest, they way God intended, it will serve a greater purpose than being the way the world pushes on you. Its in the media and all around us, can’t escape it but we can ignore it.

~ Make a commitment of Submitting to god’s plan for finding your dream guy/girl.

~ Don’t be a PRODUCT or a BRAND, why would you ever want to be generic and sell yourself short? YOU are special and unique, milk it for all its worth, that’s why God made you the way he did.

Genesis 24:65

[Rebekah] took her veil and covered herself.

* How might you figuratively veil your beauty in a modest way?

-watch what I wear, don’t talk to much, and have some mystery to my life, don’t give something quickly such as a kiss…

~ Let a man do the chasing.

~ Issac still loved Rebekah even when should could not bear children. He prayed over her and did not search for another wife. He feared she was so beautiful that another man would kill him to have her.

~ Hold back, let God make everything happen in his timing.

~ Find the one that Fits into God’s plan, don’t find form your own plan to fit a man.

Genesis 4:1

Adam lay [Yada] with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.

*In Hebrew the word ‘Yada’ is the word used for sex but its actual meaning is “known, recognized, understood and respected.”

~ Sex in a (pure) marriage is the most passionate thing we as human beings can experience on this earth. The reason for this is Yada, Yada is the relationship we have with God, and his love is more passionate than anything else. Sex is supposed to be an example to us of the passion God has for us and supposed to show us how GOOD it feels.

~Yada is amazing because we all want to be understood without explanation. God is so great he knows us inside and out with out us having to tell him, he knows our deepest secrets, and this is how marriage should be.

Proverbs 5:18-19

Rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful der- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

~ WOW, God gave us women the power to ‘captivate’ men. (Some women misuse this power)

~ There are deep secrets about yourself that you should only share with your husband, its part of what makes it fun, something you share and the rest of the world is clueless.

~ Imagine the purity, the passion, the Yada that Adam and Eve experienced. Their connection both emotional and spiritual, so pure and of God. (I’m Jealous!)

~ Earn your respect.

Songs of Songs 6:8-9

Sixty queens there maybe, and eighty concubines, my perfect one, is unique.

* What makes you feel unique? That just might be your beauty mark.

- I am a virgin. It feels like torture to be so different, but I want to stay true to myself and my future husband. Where in this world is a man who has stayed true to himself? I know what God wants for me, but it stills feel lonely and it is a struggle.

–Perhaps I lack Faith, that God has that special man out there waiting for me. Or maybe God has given me such a forgiving heart to be with a man who has had sex. Maybe in the same way God uses me as a virgin to reach others maybe he will use my future husband to reach out to others about pre-marital sex. Maybe it will be that God has taught him through his mistakes how to love and respect as well as changing him from the inside out so that he will be ready for me. I am stoked to see what God has in store. I will not pass over an opportunity with a great man just because of past mistakes, instead I will use that to strengthen my relationship with God and myself… and maybe with that man.

I feel like falling to my knees and shouting to the Heavens. “Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus!” I feel so blessed to have a place to call home. I’m so glad God is a forgiving God. I am so thankful for my family, with out them I would not be who I am today.  I am blessed to have a job even if its one I don’t care much for. I am thankful for the music that gets me though my tough times and even the good.

Also, never have I felt so not lonely. I have things to be done, I have my family… I have never felt like my heart was so full of joy. This joy overwhelms me, my knees are weak and my mind is racing. How I want to show the world of God’s greatness and of his mercy and love. I want to humble myself before his thrown, throw myself at his feet and sing his sweet songs. I want the rain to fall over me and be refreshed with the crsip cold air.

Sometimes there just aren’t words to discribe what i want to say but this is how I feel and what I long for.

“God, my Father, may I love You in all things and above all things. May I reach the joy which You have prepared for me in Heaven. Nothing is good that is against Your Will, and all that is good comes from Your Hand. Place in my heart a desire to please You and fill my mind with thoughts of Your Love, so that I may grow in Your Wisdom and enjoy Your Peace.” (Catholic Prayer, to love God above all things)

Sometimes I look back to what it was like when i was 5. I had no worries, I didn’t know my family was broke, I didn’t undertsand what death was, I believed in God so strong and was so young not to understand anything more than he loved me. I didn’t feel the pressures of the world to be thin, to look like a girl in a magazine, to do drugs to drink to have sex, the pressures were not in my life.

As I have grown and come to and from God never very far but from him at all is too far. I have been tested, and Satan tries to turn my eyes from the Glorious One. I am nowhere near perfect. I am ashamed of mistakes I have made, but I know I can run into God’s arms like I did my Daddy’s as a little girl. In God’s eyes I am always going to be a little girl, his little girl. I will never know all like he does but he can teach me and use my mistakes for the better.

I have been struggling finacially and I need another job. He supplied me with a couple days of babysitting just intime to make last months car payment. And now he has given me more hours at work. He provides, he really does.

I have many goals that i would like to achieve this year, and I would like you all to help keep me accountable so that I may reach them. I would like to have a full-time job and perhaps a second part-tome job. I want to grow in Christ, last year was deffinately a rough year for me, i had grabbed on to God with all that I had, but I did make mistakes. I was hanging out with the wrong people. I was in a church group but getting involved turned out to be what I didn’t need. However spending more time with my grandparents was one of my goals last year and still is this year. I go there before work all the time and I play cards with them during the week and I really need that quality time. They are amazing Christian people and I look up to them a lot. I also look up to my parents and see what all they have been thorugh over the years, and nobody is perfect. Seeing that they have made mistakes has made it easier for me to come to them when I want to confront my faults and to work on them. Sometimes I feel very ashamed but I see my parents like God in one light, they love me no matter what and they will not judge me. I have been in bad situations and have had called for my parents to come pick me up or different things like that. They have even installed a security system in my house for me because of past relationships with friends, with family, with men… I don’t really talk about what has gone on much but it is something that is on my heart. I been through a lot and I don’t mind sharing iff it will help someone out. Don’t juudge me too quick. I’ve never been a party animal, I never done drugs or anything off the wall like that, but I have dishonored God. I have drank once or twice. I have used God’s name in vein. I really am sad for that but He still loves me. And I just want to tell you, all of my friends and family memebers whoa re all like me and make mistakes whatever they might be, you are loved, you are forgiven and you are amazing people. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

I will add on to this later… but its just some stuff to start thinking about. Last year I helped several of my good friends thorugh some tough times and I am here for anyone who needs me now or in the future. I love you all and you imperfections are not to be judged by me but by the Holy Maker.

I wish I were 5, to not feel anything more than happy or sad or love.  To know no bounds and to still believe anything is possible.

Who do you think would win in a fight?  A taco or a grilled cheese?

Grilled Cheese…

unless its prision rules…

then I’d have to say….

TACO!

haha I just watched Hot Rod, its a funny movie.

So its only been 2 hours that I’ve been watching David but its definately something semi new to me. I have never watched an infant for a long period of time. Oh gosh. He is a sweetheart and he only cries when he is trying to sleep. But he is mostly smiles… 6 and a half hours today just him and I. He is so precious it definately increses my desire to have kids someday. But not for a long time. Its kinda cute though cause he likes me to sing to him. My little superman. Sad to see him leave in a month. Anyways…

This past week was great.  Then made a few bucks and now hanging with lil D.

Hope ya’ll are starting the new year off right. God bless.

Yesssssssss!!!!!

So anyways….as I have said before this week has been a hard week…really it has been a hard year. We lost my great grandma only a couple days ago, but now she is home with the King. Also we’re planning my aunts memorial as well. My cousin is having a baby shower next weekend too. I need a new job…It’s driving me nuts tying to find a new one.

My best friend is going to be moving across the country in about 2 months…thank goodness it wasn’t this month like she had orgionally planned. Okay so I have to tell you about this girl. Kristen, her and I were the worst enemies in high school, total opposites, and yet we had one thing in common…God. She use to pick me apart…and you know how we became friends? after high school she made a point in finding me so that she could apologize for everything she ever said or did to me. And now with out her in my life…I don’t know where I’d be, she makes me laugh and she shares the joy of her son with me. Her little boy has blessed my life in so many ways, I can’t even explain what kind of changes I’ve been through in the past months that Kristen and I have become super close. i can’t think of a great gift to give her that really shows how much I care…I show up at her work with starbucks…(i have her order memorized), I have my parents babysit…so she can go out to dinner with me and feel a little freed up….I don’t know what i can do to show her I love her. You may think I’m crazy but I’m just so greatful for the new blessings in my life as well as the long time blessings.

Also…… I’m just really happy and finally my stresses are fading woooooohooooooo!!!!!

Yesterday was just a bad day. But today was better. I went and met my best friend for coffee, played with her son and went for a wak by the beach. Then me and my mom went and grabbed a salad for lunch before going to visit my great grandma at the hospitol. It was so sad, I’ve never seen her look so ill, and never have I ever wanted to see the open end of her hospitol gown, oh gosh.

I am looking for a new job, but I have this idea of going back to my old one for 6 weeks just so I can make some extra cash and they need the help but not until febuary. In the mean time I would still like to find another job. I need at LEAST 35 hrs. a week. I am so bored all the time… and next semester I plan on taking time off school. yayness!

Well…. Also I don’t know but I feel very happy tonight even after having a hard week and a bad afternoon.

Christmas is almost here. Time flies when you’re busy living.

Lets see…. How my life is going as of right now. I like list so here it goes:

-My uncle ended up in the hospitol and almost died.

-I am helping to flan my aunts memorial.

-I have 2 final projects, kinda stressful.

-I am looking for a new job.

-I wasn’t going to be able to pay my car payment but i got a check in the mail and it was the fatest blessing ever.

-I have dreamed many more dreams.

-I have started going to a new church, Vintage Faith is great!

- hurt my foot pretty gosh darn bad….its totally swollen and hurts to walk.

-I offically hate food.

- Hate school.

So much more…. But I’ll write later.